| i am sad today |
[ | |
Posted on February 02, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
| | ] |
today i was sad.
i was sad this morning, this afternoon and i am still sad.
i dont understand my sadness. i should understand it. my sadness is a new kind of sadness. a sadness i've never experienced. just a hopeless sadness.
and i dont know where my hopelessness comes from.
|
|
| Sometimes i Want to be Fool |
[ | |
Posted on January 02, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
| | ] |
Sometimes like today I'd like to be a fool
Some of more sensible friends ask me why? I can't explain it any more than i can explain why I think about impossible things and trick myself into believing its possible.
I once mentioned this to a friend and she looked at me and said "Theres no reason too, its silly to want to do things just because". I don't think so. Maybe i shouldn't be thinking, its not the first time if thats so. The things i want to do are foolish because there is no point. None at all. and i don't want to find one.
|
|
| i can't wait! |
[ | |
Posted on December 13, 2007 @ 12:59 pm
| | ] |
i can't wait till this movie!
meryl streep=amazing!
mama mia=ohhh yeaah!
|
|
| Why can't i have my "ohh happy day"? |
[ | |
Posted on December 12, 2007 @ 6:02 pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Starlight by Muse |
] |
so yep i'm angry...more angry than mad
((yeah i know they are technically the same thing but whenever i hear the word 'angry' i hear a deep intense emotion...when i hear the word 'mad' i think oh someones day is kind of off...one can be repaired with a hug and the other requires personal reflection on the emotion))
the reason i'm angry is really my own fault because when we hear/things we are not supposed to we end up getting hurt.
that happened today.
i read/heard/whatever a conversation between two of my friends. the conversation somehow comes to me.
Person 1:"Sarah is kind of a ditz...not stupid but shes always happy"
Person 2:"Yeah whatever she's kind of over the top...seriously why is she always smiling?"
Person 1:"haha shes like robotic...completely incapable of unhappiness"
Person 2:"Shes nice and all but sometimes i wish she would get less happy and more real"
Person 1:"Definitely unbelievable person...too smiley fake/obnoxious"
that's when i stopped reading/listening/whatever this conversation.
Then i got angry
Im not a person who lets my emotions be known to people of the world except to my mother and my best friend (j.sumner). no one else do i tell what i really think or feel. no one else do i try to make understand what i am really feeling. maybe its my up bringing but i dont like telling people how i really feel. it makes me feel naked...it really does. i dont like being unprotected. i hate feeling like im not in control. yep its bad im such a an uptight person but my emotions are my own. the thing is alot of times i come off as open or outgoing or a people person. but im really not. i like people but i feel like im fake which i am. its fine with me to an extent i dont care for people to know the real me but i feel like i show apart of the real me.
i show who i want to be and who i try to be which is a happy person who tries her best to smile
even when doesnt think school is worth it or when the knowledge that she was the product of a rape messes with her head or when a sister who is getting to point where i know she will end up no where in life or when people tell her what to do and keep smiling.
i feel emotions. my sadness is something i hide. i guarantee you will never know when i am sad unless i let you. there have been times when i have gone to the bathroom at a party cried for 12 minutes fixed my make up and have atleast 3 different people tell me "omg sarah you're such a happy person...thats soo amazing" giggle,smile...those are the times i feel like i'll never get out of my sterotype. but i dont want to.
just because i choose not to cry in front of people unless they are happy tears does not mean i dont feel sad.
i choose not to dwell on the sad things.
i choose not to make myself unhappy.
i choose to be positive and hopeful.
i choose not to say "no one loves me"
i choose to be my own person and not let someone bother me unless it becomes a choice of action to be better or to let my feelings be known
i choose not to feel sorry for myself.
so i am not angry because they made me that way
i am angry because its more popular, accepted, and deep to be unhappy.
i am angry because my stereotype of happy is considered a bad thing.
i am angry because i choose to be.
|
|
| im happy :) |
[ | |
Posted on October 24, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
| | ] |
i am happy because...
1. i made chili today...that tastes amazing.
2. i listened to my music library that had a bunch of feel good 90's hits. like 'kiss me' and 'hey leonardo'.
3. i had an amazing early morning bike ride
4. no early morning seminary =]
5. i realized how much i love my mom
6. i realized how much i love my friends (julia and lib <3)
7. i am looking forward to the future
8. i got 2 dvds, that i love, in the mail today both of which are chick flicks
9. my socks are cute
10. i have a church party to go to
11. its going to be sweet
12. the Y.W get to do the doughnut game which is by far the best *~*
13. my family loves me even when im a jerk
14. i want to go on a mission
15. the gospel is amazing
16. i went sock sliding in the family room and living room
17. i finished an amazing book
18. its a uniquely, beautiful day
19. the ghost buster theme song will always make me smile like a cheesy idiot
20. chex mix is the snack mix above all snack mix
21. i love crazy loop <3 and this wierd song
|
|
| hard to believe |
[ | |
Posted on May 26, 2007 @ 11:17 pm
| | ] |
hard to believe the amount of "stuff" that can happen between 2 entries
well this 1 guy that ive been obsessing over 4 a lonng time...i dont like him anymore. i see him at my concert and im like "wow, i just dont like him anymore why exactly was i so upset about??!" and "wth was i thinking being so depressed over you". so its hard to believe im over it and that subsequent to that night i hooked up with another guy within 24 hrs...lol playa me or jst rly slutty hmmm.
lesson learned...never like an asian guy..again
oh im finally getting my life under control im learning organization and getting my highs off other things than peoples approval. im learning slowly the things that matter the most are the ones that should be constantly focused on
whoa... i really intended to write a long nice entry but im actually kind of tired
i realize how tired i am b/c of the constant nodding of the head and really bad sentence structure
|
|
| in a feel good mood |
[ | |
Posted on May 25, 2007 @ 12:05 pm
| | ] |
i wont explain myself....b/c i cant :)
im just happy
and i have .nnnnooo...idea...why??
hmmm happiness doesnt need an explanation
so who am i to question good things and their source
=]
|
|
|
[ | |
Posted on April 27, 2007 @ 5:46 pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
im in one of those moods where for a couple of seconds everthing seems incredibly clear. what i want to do with me life (what i should want to do with my life). a mood that makes it seem that every goal i have ever set is not only attainable but a goal that i will accomplish. it clears away all the dirty junk like "thats impossible" or "you'll never be as good as so and so". its like one of those moods where you actually feel excited about going and reorganizing the closet b/c your not just organizing the closet your making a begining where there will be no slips or mistakes back into your old habits because you can attain perfection. everything that is seen is seen sharper and clearer and this appreciation for life comes over and envelopes you with this surreal kind of crytsal plated happiness. not hysterically happy but a happiness that seems almost...holy. and in this same mood everything that i do works out just about perfectly. crazy? not really because as i fall deeper into this mood i realize that this what and how i should feel all the time.
|
|
|
[ | |
Posted on April 25, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
| | ] |
You
Can
Only
Type
One
Word
Not as easy as you might think.
1. Where is your cell phone? dreams
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover? unknown
3. Your hair? gorgeous
4. Your mother? difficult
5. Your father? amazing
6. Your favorite item? music
7. Your dream last night? kisses
8. Your favorite drink? forbidden
9. Your dream car? Rich
10. The room you are in? family
11. Your ex? hot
12. Your fear? deaf
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Happy
14. Who did you hang out with last night? couch
15. What you're not? Patient
19. The last thing you did? typed
20. What are you wearing? sleeze
21. Your favorite book? rainmaker
22. The last thing you ate? carrots
24. Your mood? hopeful
25. Your friends? loveable
26. What are you thinking about right now? friends
27. Your car? none
28. What are you doing at the moment? listening
29. Your summer? soon
30. Your relationship status? unattached
31. What is on your tv? dust
32. When is the last time you laughed? twilight
33. Last time you cried? burn
34. School? home
35. Pasttime? Singing
Copy.
Paste.
Answer.
One.
Word.
|
|
| words |
[ | |
Posted on April 23, 2007 @ 9:15 am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
just let it slip off your shoulder
breaking free and letting go of what defines us
finding that new defintion is all we search for
the new it , the new you, the new me
change is what we what we love but only on our own terms
finding the connection between the infinite and the end
trust, courage, honesty traits we all long for
please be me for the day and then youll know why
|
|
| a pre-packaged romance |
[ | |
Posted on April 22, 2007 @ 3:30 pm
| | ] |
|
leave it to me to have a pre-determined image of what a real romance should be like or a what a relationship should be like. i guess i've always been predisposed to a guy sweeping me of my feet with a line or a look. where something just clicks and YOU know that person is the one for you. not exactly love at first sight but definitely chemistry. and then this amazing imaginary person would end up being this spectacularly sweet, fun yet serious person. some one really rememberd the little things. like my smile or hair or eyes. sounds like im asking for something inconceivable and slightly unrealistic. make that really unrealistic. and now im realizing how ridiculous that is. now after losing so many oppurtunities to make give a real guy a chance. i just realized today it hit me out of a moment of clear blue that so and so liked me and i never gave them a chance because they were my friend. and because they were my friend i never gave myself a chance to like them and look past them as a person to talk to to and unload my cares and worries on.
so this pre-determined image at the very least has hurt me and at the worst it has ruined my life for the time being. but hey atleast i've learned a little bit. :)
another note to self never again assume one of your guy friends doesnt like you because now i've learned that most of them like you at least a tiny bit in the quote "like, like" sense.
"Pointless Nostalgic" Jamie Cullum
(my secret dream...sing on stage with jamie cullum himself)
Ain’t thinking ‘bout love today
Lost in the sunlight
Walking down memory lane
Ain’t thinking ‘bout you today
People from the past that I knew
Are slowly slipping away
Seems so long ago
Since we were carefree
Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic-
That’s me
That’s me
Thoughts running round my head today
Times from the past popping up where they’re from I don’t know
Reminiscing my cares away
Wishing I could go back and change the points that were low
Till I’ve realised what life’s meant to be
Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic;
That’s me
That’s me
Reminiscing my cares away
Wishing I could go back and change the points that were low
Till I’ve realised what life’s meant to be
Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic;
That’s me
That’s me
It’s all I’ll ever be
It’s all I’ll ever be
Cause that’s me
It’s all I’ll ever be
Cause that’s me
|
|
| i think im a freeakking stalker |
[ | |
Posted on April 11, 2007 @ 3:16 pm
| | ] |
|
so theres this person. that i know or used to really well. and oneday i decided "where is so and so?" so i type in their e-mail into a google search engine and voila i come up with 1/2 a dozen different sites like myspace, xanga, livjournal that this person all has an active profile on. one more thing about this person i had this crush on him how could i not...hes sooo hot. so this person who will remain nameless also has a screen name. i keep adding it and deleting it. i never IM that person, i dont even e-mail that person i just like looking at as his pic so occasionaly ill type in their site and gaze at his picture in absolute rapture. im sick...i really am....i a sick messed up stalker whos a coward.
|
|
| characters |
[ | |
Posted on April 11, 2007 @ 1:34 pm
| | ] |
so im walking down the street today, in everyday (for me) ordinary jeans t-shirt, just walking. and i begin to examine people around. not judge them, not catergorize them but wonder about them. wonder what they are thinking. wonder what their life is like. how different is theirs from mine? what kind of personality do they have? what are their likes and dislikes? what are their real aspirations and goals? do they want something more out of life? if so what? i find myself doing this alot. i really wonder. i wish i could go up to all those people and make conversation and make friends. try to figure out what makes them tick. try to figure out those qualities that make them their best. make what ever their life is a little better or different by talking to me or just waving. get some sort of personal wisdom they have learned in their life. can the guy that plays tennis everyday in the tennis courts by my house tell me something that would really help me? something that i havent learned? or the girl that walks her dog? or whatever person next to me driving? the difference between those who are quoted and those who arent are titles. like that one quote. "the difference between a suicide and martydom is press coverage"
(i actually typed all of this yesterday excluding the last sentence)
|
|
| dating |
[ | |
Posted on April 06, 2007 @ 4:00 pm
| | ] |
so my horoscope told me to do a little research on romance so i wouldnt make the same mistakes twice so for once i did. and this is what i came up with
Google search "dating tips for women"
Things that come up
+ Dont be desperate but dont be cold
+ When flirting keep eye contact for 3 secs or less IMPORTANT: BE SURE TO CAST EYES DOWN AS SOON AS YOU BREAK EYE CONTACT
+Always be yourself
+ Dont freak out
+ Be self confident but dont over do it
+ Try to stay relaxed and humoress (but dont over do the humor)
+ First impressions are important but dont change in order to impress him
+ Dont be finicky its a turn off for most males
+ Dont over load on emotional stuff (dont tell him ur grandma has cancer)
+ Try to be excited
+ Always finish the date no matter how bad a date he is unless he is making unwanted advances.
Google Search "dating tips for teens"
Things that come up
+ the first thing said basically that teens know absolutely nothing about love and often we confuse lust with love.
+ Choose someone who respects you as their equal
+ Sometimes people aren't interested and we need to come to grips with that.
+ DONT (yes it was in caps) have sex (note to self thats exactly the 1st thing that came to my mind right? because im a dirty teenager who has raging hormones. just ignore the adults that sleep around and are having affairs and 1 night stands)
+ Always communicate your feelings but dont overwhelm your partner
+ Do what your heart tells you (utterly useless at least for me because i never know whether my head or heart is speaking not mention those same words have been crammed into my head since my 1st disney movie "pocahantas")
+ Dont become swallowed up by your partner (meaning??)
+ Never totally commit (now i know why divorce rates are so high)
+ Be mysterious and dont tell everything at first (wow really bad grammar generic dating site)
Google Search "dating tips"
things that i came up
Everything was so useless and spread out that i almost hit the computer
so in a nutshell im back to square one and maybe even back farther when it comes to understanding romance and dating. but what ever there is alot of trial and error out ther =)
|
|
| Goals |
[ | |
Posted on March 26, 2007 @ 3:18 pm
| | ] |
|
So I was thinking about my goals and future (again) AND I decided if i put the on paper i'll that much closer
+ Decide within the next couple of months whether or not singing may or may not be a major possibility career path
+ Get in shape
+ Build a stronger foundation in my church and increase my faith
+ Apply for That singing job *you can do it sarah*
+ Get a lead in next years musical
+ Make honor roll with all my hard classes
+ Become more focused
+ Enter a writing contest...and win
+ Do a charity walk
+ Go on a 120 mile bike trip
+ Apply for governors school next year
+ Get an A in pre-calc
+ Organize my personality into the best it possibly can be
+ Get a GOOD b/f
+ Fall in love...again with the Right kind of guy
+ Date church guys
+ Be braver and foce myself outside of my comfort zone
+ Spend more time with my friends
+ Be more forgiving of myself and others
+ Stop 2nd guessing myself
+ Do track
+ Make madrigals
+ Be respected
+ Derserve Respect
Some of these are crazy but I CAN DO IT IF I APPLY MYSELF
|
|
| i hate my click happy fingers |
[ | |
Posted on March 23, 2007 @ 3:39 pm
| | ] |
so i had this amazing entry then i accidently closed my windom. grrr. then i go back to live journal and it says "restore saved draft?" "yes" or "cancel" so my pointer is poised over "yes" but then my hand gives a random twitch (i swear) and the pointer moves and i click....RIGHT ON CANCEL!!!!!...-_-... ARRRGGGHHH.....cool down sarah it doesn't matter how amazing the words were or how much time and effort you put into it (talking to myself DOES NOT help)
whatever. i don't really care because of course i have better things to do like...i can't think of any at the moment except get ready for going out at 7 pm for my sisters play, then from there to the basketball championships for church (the game starts at 9pm, don't ask me why its so late). then go out with friends. so basically i have nothing to do until 5[30 pm and that's IF i decide to take a ridiculosly long shower and do my make up and actually care what i wear (which for a middle school rendition of "high school musical" i don't think im willing to go thru all that trouble)(buuuutttt i probably will in hopeless hope that i see a good looking specimen of the opposite sex)
so that's my life in a pin hole. always doing stupid stuff no matter how much i tell myself i won't make that dumb mistake or how i won't click the cancel button. then have nothing to do with myself *sigh*.
but hey i still love being me. do you like being you?
|
|
| college scares me |
[ | |
Posted on March 21, 2007 @ 5:38 pm
| | ] |
college scares me (as if you haven't already gathered that from my subject line)....actually just growing scares me. alot. what the hell am i doing growing up? what the heck is wrong with me for living past the age of 12?
Im turning 16 in 8 days on March 29th. two years from 8 days from now I'll be old enough to vote, legally have sex and drive. wow. crazy. 4 yrs ago I wrote in my journal today "i don't think i'll ever grow up enough to be called a grown up" ahh the words the wisdom i spoke as an almost 12 year old.
having the responsiblity to govern my own life and maybe eventually the lives of others is a thought as overpowering as my socks after exercising.
really it's intimidating. but i guess i'd rather have the intimidating thought of college, job, and family. than no thoughts of the future.
what's making me think about it is im getting all these letters from colleges that were impressed with my psat scores (2020).
i know these letters are shipped out buy hundreds everyday to unsuspecting high school kids in a race to get the best. but the ivy league schools already get the best or close to it. so then comes the top 20 schools. and so on. and finally the "other" schools get everyone else.
"what college you get into decides what job you'll have, how much money you'll make, and everything else that is worthwhile in life." those are the words that have been repeatedly drilled into my brain by my ultra competetive school that has at least 2 kids get into harvard every year. yep my school is the one you see on TV as the "super school."
in retro spect it's really not fair that college should decide all those things for you but i guess its even less fair for the nerdy kids everyone was mean to in high school to have no compensation for having no life, being constantly ridiculed and taunted, and being unloved by the general school population. so all the jocks, cheerleaders, and popular kids (there are some exceptions to these rules i know) will pay by being payed a yearly salary less than 85,000.
cynical and mean.
but true
|
|
| THE MAN IN THE GLASS |
[ | |
Posted on March 21, 2007 @ 4:48 am
| | ] |
|
THE MAN IN THE GLASS (Author Unknown) When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you king for a day, Just go to a mirror and look at yourself And see what THAT man has to say. For it isn't your father or mother or wife Whose judgment upon you must pass, The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum And call you a wonderful guy. But the man in the glass says you're only a bum If you can't look him straight in the eye. He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, For he's with you clear to the end, And you've passed your most dangerous test If the guy in the glass is your friend. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartache and tears If you've cheated the man in the glass.
Wow great poem. really great poem. i think i may make make this note card sized and laminate it. then i'll carry it around to remind me to be myself.
|
|
| what really scares me....what really really makes me happy and excited |
[ | |
Posted on March 20, 2007 @ 7:04 pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
what really scares me.. Love and relationships Losing people i love, especially my family Not being accepted Not being able to sing Going blind Going deaf Becoming so self absorbed i lose sight of the big picture Losing friends Ferbies Losing too much control Being alone Forgetting the memories Myself Being myself without thinking the whole time "omg they're gonna think im so wierd" (when really they tell me im cool but i never believe them) Trusting someone, anyone That someday when i get married the guy i marry will wake up one day and say "this isn't the girl i thought i married, bye" That i wont get married Hurting someone Going to helll Not helping someone when i could've
what really really makes me happy and excited Love and the idea of making a great relationship even if in the end its the end Making friends Meeting new people Trying something so exotically different that it gives me an adrenaline rush just looking at it Kisses, holding hands, walking so close your shoulders touch, your hair touches, your legs touch, it isn't so much walking as it is gliding Making memories Dancing Dancing by myself when i wake up so early its still dark but it smells like a morning should, and its so quiet it wraps you up and makes you feel comfortable enough to go in the front yard and dance at 4 am The future me Making someone else smile Making someone else happy Boys that can sing, play an instrument or dance My friends My family (mom, dad, samuel, hannah, tesia, catherine, ammon; i love you so much i wish i could keep you in a little portable case and open it when ever i need a pick me up and see all of you and hear all of you Jumping on a trampoline Swinging and sliding Sniffing my clothses as soon as they come out of the dryer Music, music ohhhhhh wonderful music Finding a new band that no one knows about it Proving myself wrong about a fear or lack of self confidence Milk duds, chex mix, dill pickles Finishing something and doing it well Letting go of everything that makes me, me and trying on a different character just for today Strapple bubble gum Boys with beutiful hands "dancing when the stars go blue, dancing when the evening fell...." Being loved Being wanted and missed A new color Looking at the sky and blocking out everything but the thought "someday i will fly up there and think oh what a wonderful world that was" Foggy mornings Warm days not hot days Trees and streams with NO crawfish or crabs or stingy things An honest hug
Isn't it odd how some of our greatest fears make us the happiest?
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
jstsarah's journal